Couples Counseling

Emotional. Empty. Agitated. Done.

Everything hurts when you don’t get along or feel out of touch with your partner.

A worn-out mother of three children once received a thoughtful call from her husband who was about to leave work to come home at the end of his day.

He asked, “Do you need me to bring anything home?”

His wife responded with a sigh, “How about a little romance.”

They both chuckled a little, but it reveals a problem of sorts.

“Romance” can mean a number of things. Over time, we under-prioritize our partner and our relationship with them. It takes a back seat to work, child rearing, and other responsibilities. The relationship becomes an afterthought, and you both feel like roommates instead of best friends in love.

Over time, it becomes easier to focus on each other’s faults.

The need to reconnect…

Jen, who already struggles with some negative self-worth, feels a bit spent emotionally after changing the diapers throughout the day, helping with homework, and getting dinner ready for picky eaters.

Rob comes home from work, and he sees it in Jen’s eye – she’s tired and needs a break or a connection to something. But Rob pushes it away from his mind and asks what’s for dinner.

He’s asked about Jen’s day before, and it seems she feels the same – tired. The suggestions he gives are never received well.

Ignoring the vibe in the room accentuates the disconnection in the relationship. Attempts by Jen to connect result in Rob feeling defensive. Over time, the criticism appears in a ‘look’ and the tone of a statement – sarcasm becomes regular and obvious.

The frustration over time leads to more disconnection and even emptiness. Jen and Rob manage their life okay, but there’s not much left after time passes.

The cruel irony is they both want the same things in their relationship – connection and love.

Just so you know…

I don’t advise people on whether they should get divorced. I’ve never done that. Your decision about your relationship is your responsibility. I can help you think that through, but I don’t live with your consequences… you do.

Oh, and I’m not one of those therapists that will blame your partner for everything. I don’t promote shame. I promote ownership and responsibility, because being a victim is not healing.

Your marriage can last forever; therapy doesn’t have to.

If one of you has an addiction, let’s get through it.

If one of you has been unfaithful, let’s learn, heal, and reconnect… if that’s what you want.

Unhealthy patterns can be broken. A partner has a concern, even a mild one, but the other thinks, “If I put myself out there, the other person will leave. I’m going to be blamed. I’m going to be criticized. We’re going to get into a big fight. I don’t want to do that, because this other person is incredibly important to me. I don’t want to lose this person.”

So, they withdraw, their partner pursues more until a blow-up happens, and the wounds never heal. Variations of this repeat over time, and the result is not good.

Healthy connections can be developed. Connections don’t just happen. They are developed, cultivated, and nurtured.

Sure, some days are better than others; but a bad day, week, or whatever doesn’t have to be the norm. When the pattern is seen as a threat and the partner is just that, a partner with you, remember that you fundamentally want the same thing – and then anything is possible.

It’s time for some real practical help.

Let’s turn the possible into probable.

You most likely have the resources and skills to connect; and I can help you create an environment where you feel encouraged, hopeful, and build up those skills that lead to connection.

We’ll get to the root of what’s causing the disconnect in your relationship. We’ll take the time so that both partners feel heard, and I’ll help you both work toward understanding and communicating with each other better.

All couples have different experiences and history within their relationship, so we’ll find methods and strategies that work best for you and your partner as you both move forward to strengthening the relationship you both want.

We can do this!

It takes some work and personal integrity, facing your own doubts and fears about yourself, and being safely vulnerable will result in connections that are fulfilling.

Let’s work this out and set an appointment. Call me; let’s do this: (801) 472-8442.